Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt

  • Mood:
I think it's time for a cost-benefit analysis. Right now I've got three options, and I can see four possible outcomes of the current situation.

My options:
Stay here.
Give it a month, decide then.

The outcomes:
Amazing reform, naruvonwilkins stops being a jerk entirely.
naruvonwilkins keeps being a jerk.
naruvonwilkins stops being a jerk for precisely the amount of time it takes for me to decide to stay.
naruvonwilkins becomes tolerable for six months.

Outcomes in detail . . . he stops being a jerk. Maybe I should add "or aliens eat his brain" to this. I know a grand total of one person who used to be a serious jerk and no longer is, and he *admits* he was. That's the crucial detail. naruvonwilkins, as near as I can tell, believes himself to be perfect and wonderful, and since nobody but me has told him otherwise, he's not going to change his mind. I'm just not going to bother mentioning this one again, I find it ludicrous.

He keeps being a jerk. Evidence has shown that nobody else in the house minds, or perhaps he just isn't targeting anyone else. In any case, I would mind. Likely outcome - especially considering his responses to my recent post when he was, in theory, supposed to be not flaming me anymore.

He stops being a jerk for precisely the amount of time it takes for me to decide to stay. This kind of depends on whether he's subconsciously annoying me or intentionally annoying me. I'm not going to hazard a guess on which. Possible outcome.

He becomes tolerable for six months - the various things we're setting up actually work. Okay. Possible outcome.

So now, what are my choices?

Lessee. I could stay here. Pros: don't have to move, don't have to leave friends. Cons: I'm still here. Breakdown: If he keeps being a jerk, life is hell. Extremely bad option. If he stops for the amount of time it takes for me to become "locked in", life is hell. Extremely bad option. He becomes tolerable . . . I still don't like him. I'm stuck living in a house with a guy I'd rather see gone. Bad option.

I could leave. Pros: another chance somewhere else. Get away from freeway noise, which would be kinda nice. Not have to deal with getting people's money every month. Cons: away from friends, and have to move. Breakdown: if he keeps being a jerk, who cares? Mediocre option. If he stops for that amount of time, who cares? Mediocre option. If he becomes tolerable, well, I look like a jerk for moving out. But at least I'm out. Bad option.

Or I could put it off . . . pros: choice based on actual result. cons: result could be faked. putting off a decision now can easily lead to putting it off in the future. I'll have to remake this entire decision all over again. Breakdown: he keeps being a jerk, I leave, only I've had to deal with him for another week/month. Bad option. He stops being a jerk until I'm locked in. Extremely bad option. He becomes tolerable . . . I'm still in the same house as him. Bad option.

Any other problems with moving out?

Well . . . yeah.

I'm already feeling extremely untrusting towards the people I've been friends with for a long time. Nothing can help that except a lot (a LOT) of time when I'm not feeling under attack by anyone. In the meantime, life hurts. If I talk about it I'm accused of grandstanding and manipulation. If I don't talk about it . . .

Well, I haven't been talking about it. How many people here know how close I've come to cutting? How many people here know that one of the reasons I'm currently being hesitant to learn to drive is that it would make it so much easier to kill myself? ("You want to drive us home?" (mental image of what it would be like to hit another car headon at a combined speed of 160mph) ". . . no, I think I'll pass right now.") How many people here know that I have complete plans set up for how to lose myself so thoroughly that nobody would be able to find me until I was ready again?

. . . if I don't talk about it, it doesn't get any better. Neither of these are viable options. Without the people involved even living nearby, it wouldn't get better . . . and dammit, I still don't want to lose these people. Even after all this, I still don't want to.

that's one of the best arguments I've come up with so far for leaving, you know? I hate it, but it's true. "These people have power over me. Get out. NOW." I hate being this suspicous, and I hate being used.

Then there's also the stress of leaving. There's having to pack everything up (again). A lot of this really wouldn't be *that* bad - rent a uhaul and just pile it in - but it wouldn't be great either. Not fun.

There's the bus schedules. From here, I can get to work in a single bus ride. That's nice.

And there's Amy . . . even though I don't see her as often as I'd like, hopefully that will change (or at least get better) now, and it's hard to beat a fifteen-minute walk for proximity.

And there's a truly unbelievable amount of stress.

Even if this works out, even if this attempt at patching things up is actually successful . . . will I still be under that stress? I mean, why *wouldn't* I? And I can't survive feeling like this.

so right now I'm leaning towards moving out, is the summary.

can anyone find a problem with this logic?
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