Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt

No, I think I've changed my mind. I think it is time to write this entry. This entry is directed slightly towards hawkswift, partially towards shrike30, and especially towards cathexis.


So take a look here. Take a good, long look at what you've done. You had someone that you claimed was a friend - was possibly even a good friend. One of you repeatedly called him a "best friend". And you fucked him over. You betrayed him, you ignored him, and you showed approximately zero interest in that fact that you were kicking him out of the house.

And it's not like you were the ones who went to all the trouble to get this house. No, in fact, I was the one who did everything to get it. I went out and looked at places, I handled minor details like utilities, I loaned out up to SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS so that *you* people - who didn't even have *jobs* - would have a place to live. I signed the lease, I paid the bills, and what do I get out of this?

But, you know, that's not even what's important here. That doesn't matter at all. Because that's just money. That's not anything major. Major things would be things like sanity, and safety, and not having to come home and deal with an ex-girlfriend that you've been *promised* will not show up randomly. Which didn't happen, of course, because she *did* show up randomly (and you, Colin, with some half-assed piddly little excuse about how you're too spineless to tell her to go away.) And then, despite the "promise" that it wouldn't happen again, surprise! It happened again! No, it hasn't happened since then - then again, you haven't talked to her since then, either, which means that you're capable of keeping promises when you don't have a choice. Not impressive. (Or, I suppose, you *have*, and you've lied to me, which really wouldn't surprise me in the least right now.)

But that's not important either. Because, really, that's only one person, and they only showed up twice. No, more important would be if someone else decided to attack me in public, decided to tell me that I'm a horrible person and decided to tell the closest thing I have to a relationship that she shouldn't go out with me. I mean, if that happened to a friend of yours, you'd defend them, right?

I suppose you would, if it had happened to a friend of yours.

But that's not really important either, in the long run. Because that, again, is just one person. One person who *didn't* know me for seven years, one person who didn't claim to be a best friend. Because it gets worse than that.

Have you ever felt like people wouldn't meet your eyes? Have you ever walked around your own house, and had people literally refuse to talk to you? Because that's what I've been going through. And it's even worse than *that* - I never had a specific date I was going to move out. I never said "I'll be out by then", I said "probably in about a month". Which, in fact, was accurate (it would have been exactly accurate if you hadn't decided to screw me over by changing the phone system without warning, but hey, what are friends for?) But when I start getting pressured to move out, despite not having a place to move into, that's just the final straw.

So here we are. You've shown me just how much "friendship" matters. The only things any of you have done for me in the last few months is provide a few CDs for me to burn. You've taken my money, you've broken promises, you've completely ignored and used me. You've exploited my trust and, in the end, you've left me with absolutely no reason to even want to talk to you.

And you want to know the worst part of all of it?

It's that I still care. You used to be my best friends, and I want that back. I remember Colin coming over randomly to talk to me ("oh, I was just in the neighborhood"), I remember you all coming over and helping me build a fence.

I remember when I could walk into a room without stopping the conversation and having everyone avoid looking at me.

I remember countless lan parties, and the hundreds of injokes, and actually being able to rely on you . . . and now this. where I literally don't want any of you to know where I live. and feeling like I don't want to post this, because you'll just pin it on me and make it my fault, or you'll just say "oh well, I didn't like him much anyway".

Damn it. You were my *friends*. I trusted you, I actually wanted to be around you . . . and I don't know why, I don't have *any* idea what happened, but suddenly none of you were interested in the least in being around me.
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