Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt

Things that bug me about Metroid Fusion

I've been playing Metroid Fusion again recently. Partially, it's good. Mostly, it's not. A list of problems follows:

1) Samus's ship. Everyone knows Samus's ship. It's yellow and stubby. It's like Yoshi - it's practically a piece of gaming history. And yet, in the *intro cutscene*, they blow it up. Why? Why not!
2) Elevators. Samus is a battle-hardened badass bounty hunter (or she used to be - I'm going to rant about this some more later.) And yet, every time she gets in an elevator, she apparently feels obliged to pine about an old boyfriend she had. No, wait, it's worse than that. She feels obliged to pine about a guy she fell for and never bothered to ask out. That's akin to the Terminator getting weepy-eyed about a cute vacuum cleaner he met in training but never talked to. It's wrong.
3) The AI. For some reason her new ship has come equipped with an AI that tells her what to do. Because, you know, Samus is incapable of figuring out what to do on her own. She's only a battle-hardened badass bounty hunter. No, instead of making her own decisions, Samus has to follow every instruction of this computer with less common sense than most banana slugs. Example: "Come back to the ship. There's something I have to tell you. For some reason I'm incapable of telling you over the communications network that we've been using without fail for well over half the game now."
4) The AI. "I've used my amazing ability to predict exactly how powerful our unknown enemy is. Right now you only have a 10% chance of defeating it! If you get this powerup, you'll have a 20% chance!! Its power level is fifteen times yours, but soon your power level will be ONE THOUSAND HIGHER!!! GO SUPER SAIYAN!!!!!"

And, the big, fundamental problem, that all this comes down to . . .

5) IS THE ENTIRE GAME DESIGNED TO MAKE SAMUS HELPLESS? I mean, first off we've got this overcontrolling AI dictating her every move. Second, the plot just funnels you from one location to the next (with help from the AI, of course.) Third, you get major powerups seemingly on accident (the few times the AI isn't telling you to go get them). And then, at the end, you have your life saved by what is effectively the ghost of your wannabe ex-boyfriend, a green ostrich on speed, and a furby. I'm not making this up.

And this is practically the epitome of battle-hardened space bounty hunter here. She's famous for it. She *rocks*. And then, in the ending sequence, they give her long blonde hair and bright red lipstick.

What were they THINKING?
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