Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt

The enormous man who taught lesbian soy eating monkeys to bathe him

Once not long ago there was a enormous man who taught lesbian monkeys to bathe him. The initial proposition is difficult to fathom, for how does a man train monkeys to do something which he himself can no longer do?

The man had been a life long carnival worker. His father was the carnival fat man (hence this man's genetic propensity to gain weight) and his mother, the tattooed midget girl. It was a happy childhood and he spent much of it helping to train various animal acts for the circus. It was around the age of fifteen when he realized his talent for the exceptional training of primates.

As a boy, the enormous man had been short and stout for his age. Perhaps his appearance which was almost that of a monkey (but with far less hair) which gave him an "in" with the monkeys (Chimps primarily) which he trained. By the age of 19 the man became the head trainer after the trampling death of his mentor to an Asian elephant.

Ashamed of his weight, the man felt much inter pain and struggled to come to terms with his poor self-image. Over the years the man gained so much weight (over 700 pounds) that he found it nearly impossible to wash himself. He decided that he needed help. Paying someone to come in and wash him was out of the question, it would be too expensive, but he thought that he could train a small group of monkeys to do the same job. And so he did.

In his attempt to loss weight he now only ate soy. The monkey's were fed soy, because the man could not trust himself with anything else in the house,because he was afraid he would eat it. The man was kind, and fashioned the soy into banana shaped masses. Using green and yellow food coloring they almost looked like bananas.

The monkeys were all lesbian, mostly by chance and also perhaps due to the fact that they were much easier to train and far less aggressive then their male counterparts. Additionally, the man was forced to use a limited breeding pool from the circus monkeys which somehow increased this genetic predisposition. Nevertheless, their sexual practices were none of his business, so he didn't think much about it.

His experiment was successful for a while, maybe three months at tops, when the monkeys became tired of washing him and began to type Shakespeare's sonnets on his PC. This left little time for baths. The man was kind, realizing that however successful his attempt to train them had been he could not suppress their free will. A compromise was reached and the monkeys agreed to bathe him every other day. In this way the chimps avoided carpal tunnel syndrome and other computer related maladies.

(from here.)
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