Edit: I'm also including the text here to protect against community posts vanishing.
One day, Zorba decided to make an alfredo sauce.
So he went online and found a reasonably simple recipe. He made the recipe. He misjudged the timing horribly and ended up with the sauce done half an hour before the pasta.
So he tasted it.
It was missing something. He added something.
He tasted it again.
It was still missing something. He added something else.
This went on for quite some time (half an hour, to be exact.)
In the end, he realized he'd created something quite magnificent, and quickly wrote down the ingredients. Since then he has been testing it to see what is optional and what is not. Essentially nothing, he has found out, is optional.
Except the olives.
The olives were a mistake.
Here is the recipe.
(note: eating this recipe, or even being in the same room as someone who has once heard it mentioned, may cause your arteries to harden into a solid mass. Discretion is advised.)
All these amounts are approximations. Zorba has never measured the ingredients in this and does not plan to start.
3/4lb linguine (for me, this is one meal. Scale as desired.)
3/4 of a pint heavy cream
4 tablespoons butter (unsalted recommended)
3/4 of a cup grated parmesan
3 or 4 garlic cloves
3/4 of a cup artichoke hearts, chopped 1cm cubes or a bit larger
1/4 of a cup sundried tomatoes, chopped very finely
1 tablespoon basil, or a bit less
1 teaspoon dill, or a bit more
Combine heavy cream, butter, and parmesan in a saucepan. Turn heat on.
Put pasta water up.
Wait for heavy cream, butter, and parmesan to melt and mix evenly. Stir occasionally. Poke with fork if bored.
Prepare and all the other ingredients except the basil and dill. Continue stirring. Do not allow to boil, but make sure it gets hot.
Generally, when I do this, the pasta water is boiling by now. If you were clever and prepared all the ingredients beforehand, you'll have to wait.
Add pasta to pasta water. Wait a few minutes, then add the basil and dill to the sauce. Stir some more. The sauce should be turning a nice tan color. I'm not sure why. (Once it turned green. I'm not sure why it did that either.)
Once pasta is done, drain and combine with sauce. Enjoy.
For some reason, refrigerating and reheating this recipe results in a completely different taste. It's not as good, unfortunately, but I still find it curious that it bears no relationship to the taste of the meal.
In terms of serving it, this is one of the most irritating sauces I've ever found. It's just barely thick enough to not pour through the pasta easily, but just barely thin enough to flow off the plate if you place it on a slightly nonlevel surface. I've taken to just using a large saucepan and dumping the drained noodles on top of it, then mixing them up. Obviously if you're trying for a nice romantic dinner, that won't work too well. On the other hand, nothing says "I'm trying to give you a cholesterol-induced heart attack" like this meal does, so you might want to forego it entirely if romance is on the table. So to speak.
I've never made it for more than two people, and one of those was my mom, who doesn't eat all that much. If anyone makes this for a large number of people, I'm curious.
The sauce's ideal temperature for cooking is steaming, but not boiling. I believe there may be some enzyme action going on at this point. You'll have to stir it occasionally to keep it from getting a skin. It will slowly lose water (due to the steam) - you might want to add some cream once in a while if it starts getting too thick. Or if it's really too thick, add water. It won't hurt it.
Remarks or suggestions are appreciated.