Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt

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I keep thinking it hasn't been that long since my last relationship. Just a few months, right?

Except I was in New York for the past half-year, and I know it was before that.

And I was living at the Latona address for the half-year before that - and I know it was before that.

And that puts me at June again, and I know it was later than June. So it was . . . almost two years.

I hate being lonely. I hate being alone. I hate feeling like there's nobody I want to talk to - the few people I can talk to, I've leaned on so much that even I'm getting annoyed with myself. Yeah, okay, so I'm not getting the feeling that anyone wants me to stop - except *I* want me to stop. It's like I don't even have anything useful to say anymore.

But I open Trillian, and look at the list of people, and think there's nobody here I want to chat with about anything more meaningful than web games. And the next step is, of course, figure out who I want to chat with and set up an alert so I can talk to them . . .

. . . that's the point where I realize there literally isn't anyone. It's divided into two basic groups: "People I Don't Know" and "People I've Known For Years".

I guess I need to meet new people. Except I'm trying that too, and realizing that it's utterly impossible for me to let anyone in. It's not just that I put walls up - it's that I put walls up, and I've gotten so good at segmenting my mind off and bending space around the parts I don't want to talk about that nobody could possibly realize it without me telling them. (And I bet that if someone who doesn't know me reads this, then talks to me online, they won't be able to figure out what they're getting shunted away from.)

I hate staring vicious circles in the metaphorical face.

Well, it's not like I can do anything about it. Either it'll fix itself in time, or it won't. Que sera sera. And if it doesn't, well, maybe I'll do better next time around.
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