Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt

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how do you help someone who doesn't want to be cheered up?

And if you're the person I'm referring to, you might not want to read this :P

Someone on my list posted about how they were very depressed. This is perfectly fine, I'm used to it, she's the second today - I help people who are depressed because I know full well I owe my friends who helped me. And because I want to. I have no complaints about this, except about the whole thing of why-does-this-need-to-happen-in-the-first-place. (The single biggest argument against a beneficial God that I can see - that all the nice people are depressed, and all the cruel people are happy . . . ) But anyway.

See, what they posted wasn't just that they were depressed. It was that they wanted to stay that way. And that's why they disabled comments - because they didn't want anyone to try to cheer them up, because they just wanted to live with it.

I can respect this and understand this perfectly well - anyone who knows about me breaking up with my ex knows that one of the things I've tried to keep is accurate memories about what happened. I don't want to villianize her. Things happened which were my mistake, and I want to bear the pain of them, because it's my pain to bear.

But there's a point where that becomes bad. I post saying this, and I know full well that someone might say "you really shouldn't bear that pain". And I don't care, because it's my pain. But if I was also posting about how I thought I was a terrible person, about how I hated myself . . . that's going too far. Because I know (well, I know right now - this is one of those things that changes rapidly :P) that I'm not. That I made a mistake, but fundamentally I'm a good person, and there's a difference between holding the pain and expanding it.

And at the end she starts doing just that - calls herself petty and jealous, and says that she can't help anyone, and that she hasn't amounted to anything. And that's not true. She's got 30 friends on LJ alone, and I know she has friends in real life too. She's a nice person . . .

But how do I say that? I mean, I *could* just go ahead and tell her in a previous entry, or tell her on AIM, but . . . should I, even?

A manager says to an employee, I want you to buy two dozen flanged whatsises. Only don't buy from Whatco, because their whatsises are low quality. The employee does a little research, and finds out that Whatco changed suppliers to the world-leading manufacturer of flangeds whatsises the day before because they were tired of selling low-quality material, and they still have lower prices and better support than anyone else. So he tries to call the manager up and tell him, but the manager isn't available . . .

So what do you do? Ignore their desires because the situation isn't what they thought, or respect their desires even though you think they're wrong?

And how do you know *you're* not wrong?

Of course, I don't, and I'm avoiding the entire issue by writing this post and saying at the very top "if you don't want to hear it, don't read this." And feeling a bit bad because I know if it was me, I'd read it anyway. Even if I didn't want to be cheered up. And so that, in some way, I'm going ahead and trying to cheer her up even though she says she doesn't want to be.

ah well.

what can you do?
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