Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt

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breakups and healing

I've finally realized one of the things that's been bugging me . . . it's that everyone seems to be healing, or has reason to be healing, but me. Just . . . when people are together, they're together, and that's that. But people break up for a lot of reasons . . . a lot of them I've heard recently. "He used me, and I had to leave him." "I didn't love her." "He broke up with me for someone else."

What I haven't heard . . .

"I loved her, and she loved me. But I hurt her, so she left me."

Because it doesn't happen. Or it doesn't seem to. I mean, so many breakups that I've seen, over LJ, while lurking in IRC . . . so many of them are because they didn't love each other. "He never loved me." It's practically a cliche. How many people break up despite loving each other completely?

And how can I even think she *did* love me completely?

After all, she broke up with me.

(but . . . she did, once. I think. I could be wrong . . . I don't remember anymore.)

And everyone's moving on, everyone's making peace with their ex's, sending involved e-mails back and forth or talking on the phone or finding someone to hold them until they're okay again. Or just resigning themselves to being lonely for a while.

But I'm not. Some days I think I'm making progress, because I can talk to a girl face-to-face without getting depressed. Some days I think I'm finally healed, because the idea of being alone for a while doesn't hurt anymore.

And some days I have to leave in the middle of class and sit in a bathroom and cry to myself, because it just hurts too much, and I know that even if I *could* handle a relationship, and even if I *could* find someone who (somehow) cared enough to help me patch myself up, and even if we *did* get together somehow, and even if she *didn't* leave me when I went back to college . . . then something else that I haven't thought of would cause a problem, and I couldn't do anything about it, and I wouldn't survive it.

I can't survive another breakup like that. I know it.

But if I loved them, and they loved me, any breakup would be like that.

And I couldn't risk going out with someone if we didn't love each other.

. . . I guess I'm just screwed.
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