Obviously I'm not sure why. Genetics? Upraising? Did I walk into a wall as a toddler and screw something up? Of course, I don't have any memories beyond a while ago, but that just means I don't have any memories of it.
Wherever I am, I'm never more than about ten seconds away from touching *something*. Walls. Trees. I could describe in great detail what bricks feel like. I know the inner lining of my pants pockets, and I could, without any trouble, pick out which of my keys are which. (It would be slightly harder if they weren't on the keychain, as several of them are nearly identical, but even some of those I could figure out.)
Some leaves are slick. Some are slightly furry. Some are grainy, or delicate.
My main keyboard's keys seem slightly more rounded than my secondary keyboard. I've never been sure why since they look basically identical. Ironically, the F-keys on my second keyboard are much more rounded.
Did you know that if you play with a piece of paper long enough, it starts feeling like very thin soft leather?
At one point I'd been using the middle of my thumbnail as a grip to turn rough square metal rods. (Don't ask.) As a result, the middle of my thumbnail wore down, and I got a groove in my thumbnail, at least until the next time I cut it. I still remember what that felt like.
None of those compares, at all, to people.
I can't describe what touching people feels like. It's like trying to describe a concerto in terms of a single flute. Skin, clothes, hair, muscle, bone . . . I've never managed to learn even a small fraction of anyone's body. But that feeling is incredibly strong. I don't even have to be actually touching them - just be near them. It's like electric fire on my skin, wherever I'm less than about six inches from someone. Like they're already inside my field.
Generally I don't like people in my personal space. I tend to avoid situations where physical contact would be expected, or even probable. I get an instant flight reflex in many, many situations.
I finally figured out why.
Hi. I'm Zorba, and I'm a sensualist.
It's okay though. I've been clean for two years.
The back of my mind has decided (realized?) that it's an addiction. And has decided to do something about it. And, obviously, it's nice to have finally realized this. But it brings up an interesting question.
Is it right?
Is this the best way to go about it? I mean . . . I'd give a whole lot for a real-life hug. But maybe that's the problem. Maybe it's just too important to me.
And I don't really know how to go about making it less important. Or even if I want to. Or what to do now.
What the fuck do I do now?