Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt

Some days I get a lot done. This isn't one of those.

Sometimes . . . for some reason I just can't concentrate. I can't hold my mind on something. Projects that I know would all make sense if I could see the whole thing, but it's like trying to stack magnets the wrong way around - it just skims off to the side and I've lost it again.

I'm lonely.

What makes it worse is that I understand it, I understand why, I understand that chances are it's not going to change. I'm too energetic. I'm too chaotic. I'm too driven. I'm too a lot of things, really, and those aren't going to change because those are me, because if I changed them it'd just be giving up.

I don't know where this all came from. I don't know why I feel I have to make these things out of my life, why it's so damn important. But it is, and I'm just slogging on along whatever the best path seems to be at the time.

I keep running into cool females lately. I don't know why, it's certainly not by design, it's just karma or something. And part of me is saying hey! look! God's telling you something! Go for it! but . . .

. . . God's told me that before, and look how it all turned out (repeatedly) . . .

. . . but that's not even the big problem. It's this thing, this whatever, that I'm working towards. I've been through a few years of hell, and somehow came out the other end. I know I can survive a few decades of mediocrity. I don't know I can survive the whole thing happening again. I'm just so incredibly tired of having my brain pouring energy in directions that really don't help.

Maybe it's a good thing I can't change that, though.

Bah. It's taken me half an hour to write this much, and I don't even know what it says. I'm going home.
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