Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt

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futile before I even try

today was not a good day.

There's this girl in my jewelry class, see. The one who picked me up on the street at one point, remember? Well, I'd decided not to do anything - because, let's face it, I *am* going back to Ohio in four weeks. It would just be painful - either having to leave her, or having a long-distance relationship again. I mean . . . I'm maybe a bit masochistic, but not *that* much.

Well, after all this, today I find out - completely by accident, she just happened to mention it during a completely unrelated subject - that she has a boyfriend.

It's like . . . I'm not even allowed to *hope* anymore. Not *only* wouldn't it have worked out if I had asked, but I'm not even allowed to entertain the possibility that it *might* have worked. I could very well have remained completely oblivious for the next four weeks, and after that I never would have seen her again, and I could always imagine that maybe she would have gone out with me - except now, nope. Now there really *is* nobody here for me . . . now I really *am* that alone.

And, I mean, that I can handle (after curling up in a bathroom and crying for ten minutes about the general unfairness of the universe) . . . but life just won't let up on me. Reading Terry Pratchett I run across a passage commenting about how most guys would go running after their girlfriend if she was taken from him. (The person in question was Carrot, and he didn't, but that's because he's too logical.)

And then one of my friends is talking about how her sister ODed, and they brought her to the hospital, but she was okay and didn't have to get her stomach pumped because they fed her charcoal so she could vomit . . .

and it's just not fair, any of it.

but I've been saying that for months.

And it doesn't help.

this wasn't what I've been trying to write about how I'm feeling. Maybe by tomorrow I'll be back to where I was, and I can try to put it into words again.
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