Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt
zorbathut

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walking with the wounded

There's no way I can put this comment anywhere but at the beginning. If I put it in the middle it interrupts flow, and if I put it at the end it's jarring.

So: first. The people in the link at the bottom are not me. None of them.

Second. I would have posted this as a reply on the board, but I was interested in other people's responses, it was really long, and opendiary has a @#%$ 400-character comment limit.

Third. Sam, if you're reading this, I'd *love* any replies you might have :P

Oh, and fourth - I'm getting interested in the feasability of an automated Opendiary-to-LJ portal, just so I wouldn't have to remember to check Opendiary to read your posts >_< any interest for anyone else?

okay. clear your mind - mental reset - because tone is about to change.

this.

It's . . . right. One of the best summaries of all of this, all of what me and my friends do and are, that I've read. Note that I'm none of the people referred to. (For those who know my real name, she's referring to a different one.) Yes, an entire other group of friends with similar problems . . . maybe minus the sexual deal, but . . . well, I don't know. I still don't know how I'd react, I honestly don't . . . sometimes I think I'd be fine, other times . . . I'm getting off topic. *yank*

But . . . I dunno . . . there are kinda parts to this that disturb me. "I have no problems anymore, not any real ones, or so it seems." And right after, "The scars still hurt when it rains but sometimes I can't even remember clearly where they're from."

Perhaps I'm just weird, but . . . the day I stop pointing at bits of my mind and saying "that's a problem" and trying to fix it is the day I'm dead. Emotionally, at least. It's like . . . just accepting that your car doesn't work and not even bothering to try to fix it anymore. Because once that happens, it's not going to get any better - ever - just get worse and worse as more things break and you realize you don't even know how to start repairs anymore.

It's always easier to fix glitches earlier. This is a fundamental fact of computer programming, and seems to apply to people also. You don't let scars form, or if you do, you take them out and rebuild good flesh and skin, because scars are bad and painful.

A lot of this, a lot of this entry, just strikes me as "I'm wounded. I'm damaged. I went through whatever your vision of the underworld is." Which is all too familiar. But there's an undercurrent of "and I'll never be well again, and I don't even find it worthwhile to try."

Which . . . well, it's not foreign. It's just the last line of defense in my mind is the Don't Give Up. Even when I went insane for an hour or two (find it yourself if you're curious, it's back a few months) I didn't give up on anything - I just totally focused on helping other people.

And I wonder . . . is this someone who never had that line of defense, who never cared enough to build it?

Is this someone who never realized it could be built that way, never followed the same logic paths I did and concluded that life's only a waste if you waste it?

Or is this someone who got hit even harder than I did, and had the final resort destroyed?

(Or does she have things even further on that she's relying on now, things I haven't discovered, that she discovered by necessity when Don't Give Up weakened?)
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