Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt
zorbathut

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late-night ramblings

Tell me something about yourself.
I have no sense of self-worth.
Really? None at all?
None. I don't value myself at all - I consider myself totally worthless.
Then how do you survive?
I value others. And they value me. And I value their opinions of me more than I value my opinions of myself.
So you're telling me that you can't even trust yourself in thinking that you're useless?
Yup.
What do you do?
I help others. I help the ones who helped me, and then I find other people and help them.
Why?
Because I don't understand why anyone would want to help just me. And I don't want their efforts to be wasted.
What makes you think that you can help anyone?
Because people tell me I can.
And doesn't this make you think you have value?
No. I have no value in myself. I only have value relative to other people.
So if there was nobody else, what would you do? Kill yourself?
No. I would do nothing.
You would starve? You would sit in one place and slowly die?
No. Starving is something. I would just . . . do nothing.

(no. you can't convince me that I'm useful. you can convince me that you think I'm useful, and you can convince me that your opinions are right. But for whatever reason, my self-hatred is so embedded now that I don't think I'll ever get it out. It's okay, though - it all works the same in the end.)
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