Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt

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The thoughts of next year are intruding upon my life. My mom is working on the financial aid applications for next year. I'm going to an RCC interview for next year on Wednesday. I just got a "room assignments" form in the mail for next year.

So next year's creeping up at quite a pace. And that gets me thinking - what did I do this year?

I played games . . . I watched anime. I made a few friends. I spent a phenomenal amount of energy to keep my girlfriend . . . and we all know how that turned out. I worked on my compiler . . . it's further than it's ever been, and yet I seem to be stuck. Not because I don't know how to proceed - I do - but because it just . . . doesn't seem interesting.

What do I want to do, really? At the moment . . . not a whole lot. I just wish this was over, or it hadn't happened, or something. And yet I know that I'll go to dinner, and laugh and joke, and come back and do math homework. Then rouse myself at 8:45 for art class. And I still don't know why I'm doing all this.

I figured it out once . . . I was doing all this so that I could learn how people work, so I could make people happy and improve the world. Except I know how that turned out - that exact attempt lost me what I wanted most.

It's snowing outside, and my computer is playing the end music to Cowboy Bebop. I think this means something. I know not what.

everything is clearer now
life is just a dream, ya know
that's never ending

someday I'll pick up the compiler again. I know where the stubs are. #include handling, #if parsing, macro replacement. And #line. And I know how to do all these, and then (after cleaning up all those little error message stubs I've got) this phase is finished, and I've got a fully functional parser and preprocessor. Then just parse the language itself. Easy, easy, easy. Just . . . takes time. And I've only got so much . . . and it seems like I'm wasting it anyway.

So what do I do? What do I *want* to do?

Dinner, I guess. Just got an IM about it. Maybe I'll be saner after I've eaten.

The sky outside is yellow, and it's still snowing.
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